Things I'll Learn from Wedding Planning Wednesday, March 17, 2010

For better or worse, I'm putting a lot of my heart & soul into this wedding, and now that our engagement is starting to wind down (or wind up, as the case may be), I'm thinking more about what I'll take away from this engagement process. Here are some that immediately come to mind:

Self Image. I'll be writing another post on this later, but the fact that I'll be seen by many (and for many years to come) in my wedding dress has forced me to confront some truths about the way I see myself, and it hasn't always been an easy process.

I've re-discovered sewing and even purchased my first sewing machine. The process of having my dress made required me to think a lot about fabric, fashion, and how things are constructed, and I actually like that stuff! Go figure. I finally know what my mother was doing when she'd see a dress in the department store, look closely at the seams, and head to Hancock.

Organization. I've always considered myself organized, but my army of spreadsheets, charts, graphs, and folders have shown me that I really can organize a huge event and simultaneously deal with the merging of household finances. It helps that FH is constantly telling me how impressed he is. ;-)

After the wedding, I'm planning on working more with my photography business. I was always a little scared of starting a business on my own, but I have more confidence now that I could organize something as complicated as a business, if I wanted to.

Family drama. Unfortunately, my family's had its share of drama-inducing moments, mostly, weddings and funerals. At this point, I really feel that (a) I can predict pretty well who will be dramatic and how they will act out, (b) I am too old to worry about what they are doing and (c) I'm too focused on my own life to care.  I find that having this attitude actually encourages people to respect me more. In fact, I anticipated drama where there wasn't much at all. Another "go, figure!" here.

Domesticity. I hope it was merely coincidence that, on the same day I told the D.J. I'd like us to be introduced as "Mr. & Mrs. [Fiance's Name], I went out and bought the sewing machine. I know there are some ways in which I'm thoroughly modern (hello, first marriage at the age of 30!) and others where I'm just like my great-grandmother. I still feel a little conflicted about it, though.

Oh, no!!!

There are so many more things I could list. I think this post will require a sequel!

Anyone else? Is all this time/energy spent planning your wedding actually helpful to you in some way?

Engagement Brain Sunday, February 28, 2010

I made a doctor's appointment recently, and the nice woman taking the appointments asked me a million questions, which included, "Are you married or single?" I answered, "Mar-- I mean, sing-- um..." Finally I just said, "Sorry, I'm engaged!" And she laughed with me. I was mortified! But she seemed to understand.

A few days later, having forgotten my embarrassment, I picked up the phone at home and it was some telemarketer pretending to be a friend of my FH. (I guess that's their new strategy now?). He said, "Well, is this Mrs. _______?" And I said, "Ye-- um... not, I mean-- almost!" Unfortunately, the poor man was embarrassed and confused, and I explained, "I'm sorry, we're getting married in a few months! I never know what to say anymore!" And he said, "Congratulations!" and apologized profoundly if he'd offended me. Of course, I had to apologize for embarrassing him.

I guess I would have a prepared answer to these questions if FH and I were not engaged. If we lived together before deciding to get married, for instance, or if we were just dating, the distinction would definitely be clearer. I would know what to say to telemarketers, and it would probably be on my mind that I am still legally single, despite what my heart says.

As we get closer to the wedding, I am more and more comfortable with the idea that FH and I will be married. There's definitely a shock factor (married!), but it's true I already think of him as my partner in life. I have accidentally referred to him as "my husband" more than once, and he revealed to me that he's called me his "wife" when talking to friends!

I'm glad we're having a long engagement, but it's difficult to feel "in transition" for so long. I wonder if this isn't our minds' way of settling things down... and letting us know that the wait is almost over!

Andrew Young and the Sanctity of Marriage Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Every so often, I bring my ipod of podcasts to work with me to catch up. This week, I listened to the New York Times' book review and interview with Andrew Young, the staffer who covered for his friend John Edwards and was unceremoniously dumped when Edwards' scandal broke and destroyed everything. Then he wrote a book about it.

I kept listening to Mr. Young's account of things, and, later in the interview, his admission that his own role in the cover-up was morally inept, and I kept wondering: what does his wife think? I know what I think.

How many of us have ever covered for friends when we were younger? "Hey, can I tell my mom I'm at your house?" Or covered for a boss if he's out of the office? I haven't done either of these things (my friends weren't cool enough, I guess... and I haven't worked in enough offices to take calls from a boss' relatives).

But if you were Mrs. Young, what would you think about the fact that your husband, the one who promised to love and honor you, helped to cover up a sexual compulsion as nasty as John Edwards'? It's one thing to make a bad choice once. But how can Mr. Young look himself in the mirror now, knowing he repeatedly contributed to the pain and suffering of someone else? That he was complicit in the actions that led to the destruction of a marriage?

Much has been made of the "what would you do if your spouse was cheating" issue, but this is a little different. Andrew Young may have remained faithful to his own spouse, but what do his actions say about his belief in marriage? At what point would you determine this a line crossed? What would you say if someone asked you to cover for them, and you knew they were having an affair? What would you say if your spouse did that for someone else? How would you balance that with the need to keep your job? If you were in on the betrayal, would you feel complicit in the deception? Would you keep quiet?

*Photo from flickr.

Interculturally speaking... Friday, February 5, 2010

In the past I've dated men outside my race, and there can be some less than successful results. One young man (we were in college) decided that color didn't matter -- at all. As it turned out, what that meant was that my color didn't matter to him. Whenever issues of racism or culture came up, he said, "Color shouldn't matter." Okay.

I was in this relationship when my father died. Seeing his face upon exiting the funeral -- the traditional, African-American Baptist funeral complete with gospel coir, singing, wailing, etc. -- was priceless. I guess it mattered.

Another boyfriend was almost indifferent. Black culture was foreign to him, and he liked it that way. I think I was a little "exotic." ::sigh::

My fiance, who is white, offers total acceptance and understanding. I find it easy to talk to him about issues of race & culture, and he really "gets" me. This of course, is due to his loving personality, openness, and incredible cultural & societal awareness. It's essential that both of you have this awareness if you're in an intercultural relationship, particularly if one of you is a member of the dominant (mainstream) culture. Most white men grow up without ever having to think about what life is like for a black person. However, being confronted with the dominant culture all the time, I don't share this cultural blindness -- it's impossible. This must be acknowledged by the both of you if the relationship is to work.

I came across two intriguing articles about interracial relationships this week. These mostly deal with black-white relationships but I think they are helpful for any person of color dating someone who is not. "Color doesn't matter" is an especially naive position to take when you consider how race is still being handled in our society, and the fact that if you have children, despite their mixed heritage, they will be culturally perceived as non-white (see: Obama).

The first article is by guest author "C.L." from Stuff White People Do. C.L. is an Asian woman who describes her experiences traveling internationally with her white boyfriend. I imagine the situation she describes will be familiar to Asian Americans; the way her boyfriend re-frames and dismisses the issue is painfully familiar to me. The many intelligent comments posted there are also worth a read.

Over at Confessions of a Cybernegress, the author describes her husband's embrace of her culture:

And for Rob, I think that's the biggest part of it: family. He said something recently that struck me as both odd and true: "Black issues are my issues now. And when we have kids, they'll be even more important to me." My initial reaction was, "why aren't black issues everyone's issues?" But I understand his point of view: this is a world he'd never known before, and I can't fault him for that. And while I won't say that my husband is as invested in the health of the black community as I am, he does embrace my family as his--as much as I embrace his family as mine. And because I'm his wife, he wants to know how I see the world so he can adjust his own view. Because he'll some day have black daughters, he wants to learn how they will grow up seeing the world, and how he can make their lives happier and healthier. He wants them to know their history includes strong, intelligent, good people--both black and white.

I think she gets to the heart of the issue here; her husband isn't just interested in black issues because they're "new" or "exotic" or some kind of novelty. He's interested in those issues because they are related to her, and thus, to him.

Having a husband and who wants to understand your perspective and who truly embraces you, your family and your culture, is essential -- no matter what color he is.

*Photo of Bershan & David by Justine Ungaro.

If it's broke... Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My poor car is dying. At ten years old, it's run perfectly all this time and now, in the space of four months, I am facing two big repairs (one was in October). I know this is what cars do, but I'm so worried -- I plan to buy a car a year after the wedding. Can't this car just run perfectly for sixteen more months?! Sixteen! It was doing fine, but at this rate, we'll finance a whole other car just repairing this one before the sixteen months are up. Hell, just give me five more months. We're paying for a wedding, here!

My car has been with me for so long, for a cross country move and many road trips; across thousands of miles and several states; has carried nearly everyone I love at some point; has carried me home from many a boyfriend's house after some tearful breakup. I tell it, "Just hang in there!" And I think the car is saying, "I'm doing the best I can."

I took that picture up there on a solo trip to Davis, Oklahoma in 2008. I found it to be beautiful there and pulled over for this scenic shot (click to enlarge). Of course, the car is probably fine for a few more years, at least, even if it needs repairs to keep going. I just love this car. Look how good it looks at eight years old! Practically brand new.

What is this post about my beloved Camry doing on my wedding blog? I don't know. For one, it's new for me that major problems are not just about me but also about my future husband. It's weird (and reassuring) that I need to depend on him to take me to work or give me a jump if I am stranded. And when we purchase a car -- when we purchase anything, from now on, it will be our decision. Our car.

I also think it's interesting to look at objects and see where you've been and where you're going. I bought my car when I was 21. I was finishing college and beginning a teaching career. My father died only a year earlier, and my mother and I had been by ourselves and made stronger by it. We found ourselves in the market for a car at the same time. We bought matching Camrys (hers is lavender). I kind of knew it was an object I would keep until the next major transition in my life, and here I am! Getting married and the car is giving up its ghost.

The idea of purchasing a new car has me thinking about where I'll be for the next ten years. I definitely want a car that's a step up in terms of features and so on, and I am very interested in a small SUV. Pictured at right is the lovely Audi Q7.

Like most Americans, I think of my car as a symbol of personal independence. I like to imagine where I'll go in it. I'll love all that extra space for my photography equipment; maybe I'll drive to more photography gigs. Eventually, I imagine I'll be loading baby seats in & out of it. And maybe taking little ones to school. And maybe sometimes, I'll let my husband drive it!

The Most Important Thing Friday, January 8, 2010

My mother and I were invited to a wedding once; it was my mom's co-worker and my mother had heard endless details about this wedding for over a year now. We drove an hour, parked our cars, climbed up a San Francisco hill by ourselves at night and rode an ancient elevator in a questionable building.

We were ushered into a room with no chairs and not enough food, and full of hungry people, and we stayed there -- for two hours. We had no idea what was going on, until we heard someone say it:

"Oh, what a beautiful wedding." What?!


Turns out, this particular bride invited some guests only to the reception, and others to both events. I remember how cheated we felt; especially my mom, who knew this woman. We drove all this way only to miss the point?


Of course this anecdote is related more to the personality of this particular bride than anything else, but I think it underscores the importance of allowing your guests to see you get married, and to feel a part of that experience.
I read something a while back about the wedding ceremony being a focal point of the day itself. (What else would it be? That's the whole point!) The article went on to say that if your wedding ceremony is beautiful and meaningful and heartfelt, and if it draws your guests in, that everything else about your wedding day will flow smoothly.

A few weeks ago, I got a chance to flesh out the ceremony. We met with our officiant, a very nice spiritual lady who has lots of ideas. Almost without thinking, I figured out the elements of our ceremony. It seems like we will have:

- a dedication & brief remembrance of those relatives not with us
- a reading by one of my best friends
- a song performed by my cousin (a violinist)
- vows that we do not write ourselves (but choose in advance)
- an invitation for our guests to bless us in our new marriage
- jumping the broom

To help us, we are using one of my favorite ceremony planning books: The Wedding Ceremony Planner. It's an excellent book, especially if one is not particularly religious.

It is so important to me that our ceremony reflect us in a way nothing else that day does. Falling for my FH, and being with him every day, is one of the simplest things in the world to me. Marrying him is such a natural step for us to take, and we are so happy to do so. I hope our guests can understand what this means for us and share our happiness, and I especially look forward to feeling the encouragement and love of all those who have taken this step before us.

Here is one of my favorite ceremony sermons, at the wedding of Jennifer and Ming. I found this through the Stillmotion blog, and I love the words and the sentiment:



*Updated: I inadvertently posted the wrong video above. It's fixed now.

Money Matters in Marriage, pt. 2 Friday, November 20, 2009

The second article, "Five Money Woes That Can Trouble a Marriage," is more about the unexpected things that can get you down. When a couple is facing the next 40+ years of their lives together, it's impossible to predict everything and pre-determine your answers to things. After all, many of the things that financially devastate us are also emotionally wrenching, and we can't say with certainty how we'd react in the future.

I think this one is more about finding out your responses to crises, and your approach to catastrophe, and a reminder to deal with things as a couple, as a team; and of course, everyone should have a nest egg.

Continuing this theme was last Thursday's front page feature, the story of the Bachmuth family, whose young daughter is literally pulling her hair out from the stress Mr. Bachmuth's job loss has imposed on his whole family. Particularly interesting were the issues of traditional family/gender/breadwinner roles, and how a shift in those roles can be devastating (or not).

Many of the comments following the article are judgmental (okay, the couple's argument about firing the cleaning lady does sound a little out of touch), but the audio slide show puts things into perspective. From the pictures & audio, I saw a couple struggling with something they never thought would happen to them, and they are handling it the best they know how.

Do I think I'd react differently to that financial situation? Absolutely; I see a lot of issues here that seem bigger than the current economic crisis. But I can't judge. Who knows what marriage will bring? All we can do is promise to work through it -- together.

*Image of the Bachmuth family by Michael Stravato for the New York Times.

Money Matters in Marriage, pt. 1 Friday, November 13, 2009

Like most people, I don't like talking about finances, but I promised myself I'd spend as much energy preparing for the wedding as I would preparing for the marriage... so I try to confront these potentially uncomfortable issues when I get a chance.

The New York Times has published several articles on couples' finances in the past two weeks.

The articles, by Ron Lieber, are very helpful, if brief, and are in two parts (actually three, but more on that in a minute). The first one, "Four Talks About Money to Have Before Marriage," outlines the ways in which marital finances are impacted by our upbringing, our expectations, our attitudes toward money, and other habits.

When it comes to this, I know I'm definitely not perfect when it comes to finances. I tend to hyper-manage my money, sometimes even programming my browser's home screen to go to my bank's webpage so I can remind myself of what I spend. Not surprisingly, I'm also a spreadsheet junkie. :)

This means, though, that I tend to over-budget, which leaves little room for surprises, and that I worry about money when sometimes I don't need to. I also attach guilt to my spending, which means I'm extremely frugal for a while and might blow it later. I can trace all this to my childhood, which was marked by economic ups & downs, and my fear of repeating my late father's money management mistakes.

But also, my father's death really was a catalyst for me thinking about money; I was 20, so it would have happened close to that age anyway, I guess. But most vivid in my memory are all the times my father "had to work," and everything he missed as a result (we had an especially poignant conversation when I left for college, where he confessed that he felt he didn't really know me, because he'd missed so much). Our relationship definitely suffered because of that, as did his marriage to my mom.

And then he was gone, and it didn't matter at all how much he had to work. And all those material things he'd amassed; they were still here, and he wasn't, and they didn't matter much either.

I decided then that for my life, for myself, security would always be more important than wealth. I don't mind driving a 10 year old car if I have the means to maintain it. Our house doesn't have to be the biggest, but if it's safe and clean and comfortable and everything works, I'll be happy. There are more important things.

Fortunately, my fiancé's approach to money wasn't shaped by anything nearly as traumatic. He had a more consistent upbringing, and doesn't feel guilty for the occasional splurge or two. He isn't near as spreadsheet-happy as I am, so he leaves that to me -- and I don't mind a bit!

Anyway, the fiancé and I had certainly discussed these issues, but these things repeatedly come up in a marriage, and the article helped facilitate another good conversation.

Do you plan to talk to your FH/FW about finances? Do you like these kinds of discussions?

Moving Day, and other lessons Monday, July 27, 2009

I've neglected this blog terribly, but I have a happy reason: I've just moved in with my fiancé! All the packing, moving, labeling and hauling take up an awful lot of time & energy.

I'll admit, it's quite an adjustment for me. I'm used to having my own space & my own stuff. After all, I've been on my own for almost half my life! My fiancé has been married before and is much more relaxed about the transition.

In addition, we now have four cats. FH has three, and I have one little cat. They are adjusting MUCH better than we thought they would. My cat, despite being a scaredy cat her entire life, is excited and very interested in her new brothers & sister. She wants to play with them! FH's cats aren't quite there yet.

But the hardest lesson for me was totally unexpected. In the process of packing & moving, I've aggravated a back injury. Over the past year I've had some increasing back pain & general weakness. I always shrugged it off, but the pain has made it impossible.

I'm not totally incapacitated, but moving, bending, lifting & unpacking are totally out of the question for me, for at least another few weeks. Not to mention I feel like I've been hit by a car... AGAIN. This means my poor FH is doing ALL the work. Normally, I'm the type to have everything unpacked into a new place within days. Not this time! I'm forced to be patient, because there's no way I can rearrange anything now.

I'm forced to depend on my fiancé for so many things I would prefer to do by myself, and he's been wonderful about it. My doctor says I should be grateful for not having to do too much... apparently it's usually the other way around, right? But suddenly when I'm forced to quit doing stuff, it's not nearly as much fun as it should be.

I'm inclined to believe this is an early lesson on give & take in a marriage. I just wish it came with less pain!