I made a doctor's appointment recently, and the nice woman taking the appointments asked me a million questions, which included, "Are you married or single?" I answered, "Mar-- I mean, sing-- um..." Finally I just said, "Sorry, I'm engaged!" And she laughed with me. I was mortified! But she seemed to understand.
A few days later, having forgotten my embarrassment, I picked up the phone at home and it was some telemarketer pretending to be a friend of my FH. (I guess that's their new strategy now?). He said, "Well, is this Mrs. _______?" And I said, "Ye-- um... not, I mean-- almost!" Unfortunately, the poor man was embarrassed and confused, and I explained, "I'm sorry, we're getting married in a few months! I never know what to say anymore!" And he said, "Congratulations!" and apologized profoundly if he'd offended me. Of course, I had to apologize for embarrassing him.
I guess I would have a prepared answer to these questions if FH and I were not engaged. If we lived together before deciding to get married, for instance, or if we were just dating, the distinction would definitely be clearer. I would know what to say to telemarketers, and it would probably be on my mind that I am still legally single, despite what my heart says.
As we get closer to the wedding, I am more and more comfortable with the idea that FH and I will be married. There's definitely a shock factor (married!), but it's true I already think of him as my partner in life. I have accidentally referred to him as "my husband" more than once, and he revealed to me that he's called me his "wife" when talking to friends!
I'm glad we're having a long engagement, but it's difficult to feel "in transition" for so long. I wonder if this isn't our minds' way of settling things down... and letting us know that the wait is almost over!
My first reaction upon hearing the news about the Chilean earthquake was that my heart went out to everyone affected there. Another devastating earthquake? More devastated people? So soon after Haiti? Really?
And then I saw that there are tsunamis headed toward Hawaii. And then I saw this.
This image shows the "predicted distribution of energy" following the Chile earthquake. I am not a scientific person by any means (while FH comes from a family of geologists), so this image helped me put things into perspective.
I'll admit that upon seeing this map, my first thought was those honeymoon plane tickets we purchased just a few days ago. I am even more embarrassed to admit that, while I'm generally well traveled and sensitive to the needs of people in different parts of the world (I'm an ethnomusicologist, for Heavens' sake!), I never thought much about Hawaii. I'd bought into the idea of it as an unspoiled, hurricane-free place that is perfectly safe and idyllic. And I'm sure it is, most of the year. At the moment, though, it's a series of islands with people on them, hoping the tsunamis don't come.
The first thing that helped me get over my disappointment was seeing FH's reaction to the invitations. Earlier readers may remember that it was him who turned me on to these invitations in the first place -- he has excellent taste!
When he came home, I showed them to him without comment, to see what he'd say. He didn't say anything for a long time, but he just sort of stared at them, smiling. He said, "We're getting married!" It was very sweet.
These invitations, of course, are not about shades of pink and cursive and script and fonts; they're the first announcement that my fiance and I intend to start a new life together. Seeing him hold the invitations in his hands and really get that for the first time was priceless, and everything else I'd been worrying about suddenly mattered much less.
Another thing that helped was a little design tweak that was inexpensive and only took a few minutes! I decided to round the corners.
Smock can round the corners of your invitations for you, but we didn't select this when we ordered them. When they arrived, I knew it was the "something missing" that I needed to fix. I ventured into Hobby Lobby and found this sturdy-looking "Corner Chomper" and its cute matching case:
This is the perfect tool for this sort of thing; it cuts clean, perfectly curved corners, and holds up really well. It's perfect for the super thick card stock of our invitations.
And now for the results! First, the before:
This tool cuts two types of corners; a quarter inch (it appears that this is the shape Smock uses if you have them round the corners)...
...and a half inch, which is the one we're going to use:
You can see the corners better in this shot:
I have to give major props to the Crop-a-dile. The corners it cuts are absolutely perfect... no flattening of the paper or extra weird notches. It's amazing how different the invitations look now. The softer edges really help our names to stand out, since they're now the only angled things on the invitation. I think the soft corners provide some much-needed balance and definition. Not only that, but with this hard cardstock, they're much easier to get in & out of the envelopes!
So for now, that's the story of our invites. Now it's on to a task I'm dreading: finalizing the guest list!
Our beautiful invitations from Smock Papers have arrived! Having picked these out nearly a year ago, I am happy to present them (in slightly altered form):
They are beautiful to me now, but a few days ago when I picked them up I was profoundly disappointed. The accent color is "shell," which looks fine in the photograph, but seems darker and a little too "mauve-y" when I first saw them. This is different from how it appears in the in-store example book, so I was surprised.
Also, I was a little disappointed about all the back & forth it took to get these invites to look the way we wanted. I read the blog at Smock, and I have heard all the glowing reviews, seen them featured in magazines, etc. I was under the impression that the company would customize the invitations so that they looked nice with their layouts; combining lines of text if necessary, and arranging the words on the page so that they blend seamlessly with the artwork.
I was sorely disappointed when I got the first proof back. I had put way too many words on the invitation, but there they all were, in a big jumble. They could have suggested a vertical layout, or combined more than one line, but they didn't. They typed the words just as I sent them, which is fine -- but I am not a graphic designer. I am paying for them to design it for me! Or so I thought.
Two proofs and $40 later,* I ended up just making a photoshop picture and laying out the words exactly as they are shown in the final version. I was irritated that I ended up paying them to fix and design my own invitation.
The customer service from them was great and the invitations are indeed beautiful, and they have some lovely designs. However, I suggest you know exactly what you want and spend some time envisioning it before you place an order.
In the long run, none of this will matter. Our guests won't know the difference! And of course, it's not like our marriage will be less valid because one shade of pink doesn't match the other. But I had envisioned these invitations for months, and seeing them in person was underwhelming. It was hard to acknowledge how much the little things about this wedding mean to me.
How did I make peace with this? It's coming up!
*At Smock, if you make more than 1 change, it's $40 per proof. We made two changes = 3 proofs total.
This adorable couple got married in the Apple store where they met. It's very cute when he pats her behind toward the beginning there.
I never planned for our wedding to have anything to do with when or where we met, but I inadvertently picked a wedding date that was exactly two years from the day we met in 2008! I'd completely forgotten which day it was and didn't realize it until I found some old notes from the class we took together.
Every so often, I bring my ipod of podcasts to work with me to catch up. This week, I listened to the New York Times' book review and interview with Andrew Young, the staffer who covered for his friend John Edwards and was unceremoniously dumped when Edwards' scandal broke and destroyed everything. Then he wrote a book about it.
I kept listening to Mr. Young's account of things, and, later in the interview, his admission that his own role in the cover-up was morally inept, and I kept wondering: what does his wife think? I know what I think.
How many of us have ever covered for friends when we were younger? "Hey, can I tell my mom I'm at your house?" Or covered for a boss if he's out of the office? I haven't done either of these things (my friends weren't cool enough, I guess... and I haven't worked in enough offices to take calls from a boss' relatives).
But if you were Mrs. Young, what would you think about the fact that your husband, the one who promised to love and honor you, helped to cover up a sexual compulsion as nasty as John Edwards'? It's one thing to make a bad choice once. But how can Mr. Young look himself in the mirror now, knowing he repeatedly contributed to the pain and suffering of someone else? That he was complicit in the actions that led to the destruction of a marriage?
Much has been made of the "what would you do if your spouse was cheating" issue, but this is a little different. Andrew Young may have remained faithful to his own spouse, but what do his actions say about his belief in marriage? At what point would you determine this a line crossed? What would you say if someone asked you to cover for them, and you knew they were having an affair? What would you say if your spouse did that for someone else? How would you balance that with the need to keep your job? If you were in on the betrayal, would you feel complicit in the deception? Would you keep quiet?
FH and I were adamant about our desire to eliminate traditional, cheesy wedding cakes. I just couldn't get into the idea of the cake as "the center of the wedding" as one famous local cake baker has said. I can't find that quote (which was part of the intro of one of those "bake a wedding cake" shows), but I did find this cute clip of a someone making a wedding cake in 3 minutes:
We were content with our idea of having some kind of alternate cake structure, cake table, or dessert table, or maybe even little Whole Foods round cakes for each table (mmm!). What we weren't content with was the idea of having to pick up all these little cakes, deliver them, and set them out ourselves... and what would we put them on? Sure, it would save money, but I don't think my sanity is worth the small amount we'd be saving.
So, we caved. Since FH is an artist, he can appreciate the idea of a wedding cake that is also a work of art. But our philosophy (as it is with many aspects of this wedding) is that we should either get exactly what we want, or nothing at all. Since we can't afford one of these lovely works of art, we'll just get a very simple cake and call it a day.
Our wedding is a classic ballroom wedding in an urban setting (This is what I mean by "urban black-tie..." I don't know, I made it up!). This means we should have a cake that's a little modern, subtly interesting, and not too flowery or "froufy." Serving about 130 guests, our cake should be about 4 tiers. Here are some of the choices we're looking at:
via ProjectWedding.com
I love it: nice and simple! A clean, classic design with double beading at each layer reminds me of a nicely painted room with crown molding. The scroll designs are pretty, but we are not really into them. If we did have a scroll-y cake, though, I'd like to mix things up by combining shapes and a little color.
via Dallas Affaires Cake Co.
This one is from one of the vendors we're considering, Dallas Affaires Cake Co. Their cakes are beautifully designed and consistent. I like the two-tone effect on this one.
Here's one from another cake vendor we like, Elena's Cakes. It's another combined shape one... but what if the vertical stripes were just stripes (and not flowery stripes)? It might look nice. Plus it would mimic the light fixtures at our venue, which I initially hated but have since made peace with.
photo via Elena's Cakes
A post like this wouldn't be complete if I didn't include our dream cake. We love the idea of this incredibly unique and beautiful cake by Sylvia Weinstock, featured on the cover of Martha Stewart Weddings' anniversary issue:
Wow! What beautiful, stunning work. Mr. Oyster makes the excellent point that sugar flowers are pointless if they look exactly like real ones. With florists decorating cakes nowadays, why pay for all those hours of labor?
But if the flowers look like something you'd want to eat? If they look so organically a part of the cake that they seem to have grown out of it? Well then, they seem perfectly justifiable in that sense. It's true; cake was among the lowest of Mr. Oyster's and my priorities, and paying for something whose value seems intangible is difficult for us. But this cake? It's just beautiful and *different*. It doesn't look like cake! It's just a mound of beautiful white flowers. Who wouldn't want to eat that?
Barring the Weinstock masterpiece, I think I like the simple square cake best. A version of it is featured on the front of Martha Stewart's wedding webpage (and in the "Real Weddings" feature of Christopher & Liezel):
Oh, and this is our cake cutting song! Why not have a little fun with it?
**Update: Mr. Oyster, who is currently suffering from a cold (poor sweetie!), has pointed out that the Weinstock cake looks to him like a big pile of wadded up tissues. Ew! Nothing like a guy's point of view to make you see things in a different light.
So I did it -- I finally started the dress process.
Last weekend, I got measured, and as I write this, the seamstress is working on a muslin. But before I visited with her, I had to have a design, right?
I had been working on these, and with all my previous inspirations taken into account, plus my own body type, and some newer ideas from the likes of Amsale, Ulla-Maija and other modern-classic designers, here are the Final Four.
Dress 854 is a plain A-line dress. The back is inspired by this one from Amsale; asymmetrical, drawing attention in the right place. The front is a flat front skirt, although the sketch appears to have princess seams. There is some slight gathering at the waistline.
I'll be honest; I really didn't like this dress. It's a beautiful A-line, classic dress, but I wanted something with more... personality.
Dress 858 is a modified A-line (trumpet) with princess seams. Being short and, for lack of a better word, "curvy," I felt like a plain A-line might be overwhelming, especially in light of the fact that I want to wear a full skirt. The problem is that I don't like princess seams, but they seem necessary to get the full skirt.
And here are my favorites. Another solution to the full skirt problem is to have a seam below the waistline. After all, that gathered fabric has to come from somewhere! This dress has a seam that curves downward, which I hope would elongate the body. It also just looks more modern.
I love this dress! I think it's modern and interesting, but I'm not sure if I am bold enough to wear it. Plus, the seam really does cut the visual line of the body, which may or may not be a good thing. Here, the same dress without the seam (but the fullness of the skirt would be considerably less):
So which one did I choose? I'll show you in the muslin fitting, next week!
My mother always said (why do so many wedding-related posts use that sentence?) that your foundation garments are more important than any clothes you put on top.
She would be astonishingly embarrassed to find out that for the past several months I've been wearing a bra that barely fits. It doesn't lift, separate, or support, and it looks awful and worn out. I've been trying to order new bras for months, both for everyday wear and for the wedding, and I haven't had any success.
But Thursday, when my most recent shipment arrived only to not fit properly (again!), I got mad and frustrated. FH, hearing my complaints, got online and found me a local specialty bra shop. I don't know why I didn't think of this; probably because I didn't want to deal with being fitted and having to show my so & sos to some strange shop employee.
But desperation overruled my shyness, and I went to the shop, got fitted, and came out $110 poorer, but with TWO custom-fitted bras in hand. After a bit of a wait, I received excellent service. The ladies are very nice, if a bit awkward, and they have a custom seamstress on staff. My bras needed two darts in the sides, and she put them in for free while I waited. I must admit that I'd never even considered custom-fitting a bra.
My only complaint is that I wish I'd found the shop months ago... I could have saved so much money & frustration if I'd just been more willing to be a little embarrassed for a few minutes!
In the past I've dated men outside my race, and there can be some less than successful results. One young man (we were in college) decided that color didn't matter -- at all. As it turned out, what that meant was that my color didn't matter to him. Whenever issues of racism or culture came up, he said, "Color shouldn't matter." Okay.
I was in this relationship when my father died. Seeing his face upon exiting the funeral -- the traditional, African-American Baptist funeral complete with gospel coir, singing, wailing, etc. -- was priceless. I guess it mattered.
Another boyfriend was almost indifferent. Black culture was foreign to him, and he liked it that way. I think I was a little "exotic." ::sigh::
My fiance, who is white, offers total acceptance and understanding. I find it easy to talk to him about issues of race & culture, and he really "gets" me. This of course, is due to his loving personality, openness, and incredible cultural & societal awareness. It's essential that both of you have this awareness if you're in an intercultural relationship, particularly if one of you is a member of the dominant (mainstream) culture. Most white men grow up without ever having to think about what life is like for a black person. However, being confronted with the dominant culture all the time, I don't share this cultural blindness -- it's impossible. This must be acknowledged by the both of you if the relationship is to work.
I came across two intriguing articles about interracial relationships this week. These mostly deal with black-white relationships but I think they are helpful for any person of color dating someone who is not. "Color doesn't matter" is an especially naive position to take when you consider how race is still being handled in our society, and the fact that if you have children, despite their mixed heritage, they will be culturally perceived as non-white (see: Obama).
The first article is by guest author "C.L." from Stuff White People Do. C.L. is an Asian woman who describes her experiences traveling internationally with her white boyfriend. I imagine the situation she describes will be familiar to Asian Americans; the way her boyfriend re-frames and dismisses the issue is painfully familiar to me. The many intelligent comments posted there are also worth a read.
And for Rob, I think that's the biggest part of it: family. He said something recently that struck me as both odd and true: "Black issues are my issues now. And when we have kids, they'll be even more important to me." My initial reaction was, "why aren't black issues everyone's issues?" But I understand his point of view: this is a world he'd never known before, and I can't fault him for that. And while I won't say that my husband is as invested in the health of the black community as I am, he does embrace my family as his--as much as I embrace his family as mine. And because I'm his wife, he wants to know how I see the world so he can adjust his own view. Because he'll some day have black daughters, he wants to learn how they will grow up seeing the world, and how he can make their lives happier and healthier. He wants them to know their history includes strong, intelligent, good people--both black and white.
I think she gets to the heart of the issue here; her husband isn't just interested in black issues because they're "new" or "exotic" or some kind of novelty. He's interested in those issues because they are related to her, and thus, to him.
Having a husband and who wants to understand your perspective and who truly embraces you, your family and your culture, is essential -- no matter what color he is.
My poor car is dying. At ten years old, it's run perfectly all this time and now, in the space of four months, I am facing two big repairs (one was in October). I know this is what cars do, but I'm so worried -- I plan to buy a car a year after the wedding. Can't this car just run perfectly for sixteen more months?! Sixteen! It was doing fine, but at this rate, we'll finance a whole other car just repairing this one before the sixteen months are up. Hell, just give me five more months. We're paying for a wedding, here!
My car has been with me for so long, for a cross country move and many road trips; across thousands of miles and several states; has carried nearly everyone I love at some point; has carried me home from many a boyfriend's house after some tearful breakup. I tell it, "Just hang in there!" And I think the car is saying, "I'm doing the best I can."
I took that picture up there on a solo trip to Davis, Oklahoma in 2008. I found it to be beautiful there and pulled over for this scenic shot (click to enlarge). Of course, the car is probably fine for a few more years, at least, even if it needs repairs to keep going. I just love this car. Look how good it looks at eight years old! Practically brand new.
What is this post about my beloved Camry doing on my wedding blog? I don't know. For one, it's new for me that major problems are not just about me but also about my future husband. It's weird (and reassuring) that I need to depend on him to take me to work or give me a jump if I am stranded. And when we purchase a car -- when we purchase anything, from now on, it will be our decision. Our car.
I also think it's interesting to look at objects and see where you've been and where you're going. I bought my car when I was 21. I was finishing college and beginning a teaching career. My father died only a year earlier, and my mother and I had been by ourselves and made stronger by it. We found ourselves in the market for a car at the same time. We bought matching Camrys (hers is lavender). I kind of knew it was an object I would keep until the next major transition in my life, and here I am! Getting married and the car is giving up its ghost.
The idea of purchasing a new car has me thinking about where I'll be for the next ten years. I definitely want a car that's a step up in terms of features and so on, and I am very interested in a small SUV. Pictured at right is the lovely Audi Q7.
Like most Americans, I think of my car as a symbol of personal independence. I like to imagine where I'll go in it. I'll love all that extra space for my photography equipment; maybe I'll drive to more photography gigs. Eventually, I imagine I'll be loading baby seats in & out of it. And maybe taking little ones to school. And maybe sometimes, I'll let my husband drive it!
I love pink, and I'm jumping the broom! I'm a teacher by day, photographer by weekend. And now, a bride, too! Follow me on my adventures in wedding planning, and find & share ideas for your wedding day!
