Coming Together... Saturday, November 28, 2009

I'm starting to get a definite vision for the wedding now, less than eight months away. (!) So, I decided to make another inspiration board. Here it is (click to enlarge)!


I've been leaning toward the classic black-tie look, with a light pink/neutral color scheme. I don't have a lot of details yet, mostly because (a) there aren't going to be too many of them and (b) I haven't picked them yet! But here's an overall look. I imagine it will be honed down quite a bit between now and the big day! You might recognize the man in the tuxedo from my post on menswear the other day.


Credits:
Place setting/table flowers by Cherie Photo (Amy & Sean).
Bridal bouquet and aisle flowers from D Weddings, photo by Steven Karlisch (Lillian & Charles).
Earrings by Tejani, style B0877.
Small floral arrangement by Karen Tran.
Image of Darcy Miller Nussbaum at her wedding from Martha Stewart Weddings, photo by Holger Thoss (Darcy & Andy).
Invitations from Smock Papers (style Vettore).
Place cards from Martha Stewart Weddings, photo by Dan Loh (Priya & Ralph).
Dress from Priscilla of Boston, style 4111.
Man in tuxedo from David Wittig (Dena & Gavin).
Image of engagement set from the internet.

First "Engaged" Holidays Friday, November 27, 2009

It's the holidays! Last year at this time, I was minding my own business, quietly wondering if my boyfriend was "the one," enjoying the holiday season, but with one eye on all those ubiquitous diamond commercials!

What a difference a year makes! Here we are, with entirely new reasons to be thankful this year... and the realization that next year at this time, we'll be married! How exciting.

I am truly blessed to be marrying into a family that is so nice and loving and has embraced me. This week, I went shopping with FMIL and she said she needed another pie to complete her Thanksgiving meal. I love to bake and was planning to bring something anyway, so I offered. I ended up making a pecan pie -- the first time ever!

When I was a kid, I baked apple pies nearly every year (starting when I was like 10 or so) and I generally love to bake. So while not a novice to pies in general, I was new to this one. I warned FMIL of my inexperience, and she gave me a bag of pecans and said, "See what happens!" So I did.

I was initially stressed out about it, since I didn't want to use corn syrup and I couldn't find too many recipes without it. But when I got to Whole Foods, my initial plan to use a combination of maple syrup & honey was thwarted by high prices, and I found some brown rice syrup instead. The recipe I ended up using was from the Better Homes & Gardens cookbook, the same one my mother cooked from all those years.

The pie turned out perfect: despite a Kitchenaid mishap (I must remember to choose an attachment that reaches all the way to the bottom of the bowl) and some inexperience, the pie was a big hit and tasted great! Here it is, ready to go to Grandma's house:

I also made a breakfast quiche for FH & I, and some delicious Williams-Sonoma cranberry squares (an unpublished recipe found only in their store, apparently).

Since I am still adjusting to FH's house, I wasn't moving as quickly as I normally would; I generally felt kind of out of place and like I didn't have room to cook and couldn't find anything. I didn't feel too much pressure to make everything perfect until Thanksgiving morning, when mishap after mishap threatened to ruin my baking projects.

In an extremely rare moment of 1950s-era traditionalism, I said to him, "What if I am not a very good wife in the kitchen, and I keep my husband & kids hungry and waiting for food that's not very good?" And he says, "Since when are you responsible for all the food in the house?" Good point. Don't you just love modern feminist men?

Menswear Redux Tuesday, November 24, 2009

My poor FH has never worn a tuxedo. "What did you wear to your 1st wedding?" "It was casual," he says. "Well, what did you wear to prom?" He said, "Well, I can't remember the prom!" What can I say to that?

But luckily, he is more than willing to wear a beautiful suit for our wedding! We've decided to try and purchase the suit if we can, so he can wear it again. A few weekends ago, we went shopping for the first time, and were able to narrow some things down. Also helpful was Style Me Pretty's five part series on menswear (linked below).

It seems there are endless choices; size of lapel, what type of shirt to wear, etc. etc. How is it that there can be so many choices, when they all end up looking mostly the same?

Anyway, we narrowed it down to a nice classic black suit, peak lapels, and a nice tie instead of the standard bow-tie look. I was prepared for another round of shopping, when last night I was trolling through my RSS and found this post from photographer David Wittig.

FH looks over my shoulder at the handsome couple, and points to the groom. "Hey isn't that kind of what we were looking at? Is that a tuxedo?" And I said yes.



"Hey, that looks nice. I like it," he says. And just like that, it was done. Guys are so easy!

In case your fiancé isn't quite as easygoing as mine, here are the links to Style Me Pretty's super-helpful series for men in five parts:
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5

Money Matters in Marriage, pt. 2 Friday, November 20, 2009

The second article, "Five Money Woes That Can Trouble a Marriage," is more about the unexpected things that can get you down. When a couple is facing the next 40+ years of their lives together, it's impossible to predict everything and pre-determine your answers to things. After all, many of the things that financially devastate us are also emotionally wrenching, and we can't say with certainty how we'd react in the future.

I think this one is more about finding out your responses to crises, and your approach to catastrophe, and a reminder to deal with things as a couple, as a team; and of course, everyone should have a nest egg.

Continuing this theme was last Thursday's front page feature, the story of the Bachmuth family, whose young daughter is literally pulling her hair out from the stress Mr. Bachmuth's job loss has imposed on his whole family. Particularly interesting were the issues of traditional family/gender/breadwinner roles, and how a shift in those roles can be devastating (or not).

Many of the comments following the article are judgmental (okay, the couple's argument about firing the cleaning lady does sound a little out of touch), but the audio slide show puts things into perspective. From the pictures & audio, I saw a couple struggling with something they never thought would happen to them, and they are handling it the best they know how.

Do I think I'd react differently to that financial situation? Absolutely; I see a lot of issues here that seem bigger than the current economic crisis. But I can't judge. Who knows what marriage will bring? All we can do is promise to work through it -- together.

*Image of the Bachmuth family by Michael Stravato for the New York Times.

Money Matters in Marriage, pt. 1 Friday, November 13, 2009

Like most people, I don't like talking about finances, but I promised myself I'd spend as much energy preparing for the wedding as I would preparing for the marriage... so I try to confront these potentially uncomfortable issues when I get a chance.

The New York Times has published several articles on couples' finances in the past two weeks.

The articles, by Ron Lieber, are very helpful, if brief, and are in two parts (actually three, but more on that in a minute). The first one, "Four Talks About Money to Have Before Marriage," outlines the ways in which marital finances are impacted by our upbringing, our expectations, our attitudes toward money, and other habits.

When it comes to this, I know I'm definitely not perfect when it comes to finances. I tend to hyper-manage my money, sometimes even programming my browser's home screen to go to my bank's webpage so I can remind myself of what I spend. Not surprisingly, I'm also a spreadsheet junkie. :)

This means, though, that I tend to over-budget, which leaves little room for surprises, and that I worry about money when sometimes I don't need to. I also attach guilt to my spending, which means I'm extremely frugal for a while and might blow it later. I can trace all this to my childhood, which was marked by economic ups & downs, and my fear of repeating my late father's money management mistakes.

But also, my father's death really was a catalyst for me thinking about money; I was 20, so it would have happened close to that age anyway, I guess. But most vivid in my memory are all the times my father "had to work," and everything he missed as a result (we had an especially poignant conversation when I left for college, where he confessed that he felt he didn't really know me, because he'd missed so much). Our relationship definitely suffered because of that, as did his marriage to my mom.

And then he was gone, and it didn't matter at all how much he had to work. And all those material things he'd amassed; they were still here, and he wasn't, and they didn't matter much either.

I decided then that for my life, for myself, security would always be more important than wealth. I don't mind driving a 10 year old car if I have the means to maintain it. Our house doesn't have to be the biggest, but if it's safe and clean and comfortable and everything works, I'll be happy. There are more important things.

Fortunately, my fiancé's approach to money wasn't shaped by anything nearly as traumatic. He had a more consistent upbringing, and doesn't feel guilty for the occasional splurge or two. He isn't near as spreadsheet-happy as I am, so he leaves that to me -- and I don't mind a bit!

Anyway, the fiancé and I had certainly discussed these issues, but these things repeatedly come up in a marriage, and the article helped facilitate another good conversation.

Do you plan to talk to your FH/FW about finances? Do you like these kinds of discussions?

Worth a thousand (more) words Monday, November 9, 2009

This weekend, after placing my invitation order, I was so pleased to have something done so early. For a July wedding, I wouldn't need to order them until January or February, and mail them at the end of April. But the company is giving a discount to orders placed before the end of the year, so I was planning to order them in a month. Then, the invitation shop had a promotion for an additional discount this week, so there you go!

The lovely invitations are probably the only thing I've been 100% consistent about throughout this entire wedding planning process. The wording should be simple and formal. Easy, right? I arrived at the shop with all the information in tow (typed up, no less!) and today I got the call.

They want to change my invitation wording because it is improper!

Specifically, they want to change my "half past five" to "half after five" and we disagree about the usage of "two thousand ten" vs. "two thousand and ten." (They prefer the latter, by the way.) All my research says that both are acceptable, but it seems that "half after" and "two thousand and ten" are most likely related to British usage and are therefore more formal.

Two things at work here. First of all, I am having a formal wedding, which requires a formal invitation with formal wording. So I get that this is the time to be "correct."

But I wonder if these etiquette rules might just be too obscure for me. Who IN THE WORLD says "half after five"? I've never seen it; every wedding invitation I've seen says "half past." Every invitation also says "two thousand and ten" and since it looks better in print, I might concede that one. I might even write "half after" for the time... but I can just imagine my family calling up saying, "When is the wedding?"

On the other hand, just because large swaths of people don't understand an etiquette rule doesn't mean it's invalid.

We'll see. At this point, the invitation reads:

Together with their families
[Bride] and [Groom]
request the pleasure of your company
at their marriage
[Day] the [nth] of July
two thousand and ten
at half after (?) five in the evening
[Name of place]
[City, State]
Reception to follow

[in the lower right hand corner]:
R.s.v.p. before [Month] [Date]
[website address]

I had originally written, "Please r.s.v.p. by [date], but realized that, while in English, "to r.s.v.p." is a verb or a noun, it's actually a phrase that already contains the word please (Respondez, s'il-vous plait). But most people will read it as a verb, so...

Honestly, I'm surprised that I care so much. But as someone who loves to write and is interested in what words mean to different people, this is actually kind of fascinating.

Also, I think it's funny how wedding invitations, like so many aspects of the wedding itself, bring out these issues of class and style. I think many wedding disputes we have now are the result of being in different classes, and of our culture being in sort of a transitional period with different cultures & class systems. I mean, wouldn't this be easier (but so much more boring!) if every member of one family was in the same social class (and thus, had the same expectations for your wedding)? But, thankfully, that hardly relates to any Americans anymore. Interesting.

*The photo is of Emily Post, who frightens me a little.