Money Matters in Marriage, pt. 2 Friday, November 20, 2009

The second article, "Five Money Woes That Can Trouble a Marriage," is more about the unexpected things that can get you down. When a couple is facing the next 40+ years of their lives together, it's impossible to predict everything and pre-determine your answers to things. After all, many of the things that financially devastate us are also emotionally wrenching, and we can't say with certainty how we'd react in the future.

I think this one is more about finding out your responses to crises, and your approach to catastrophe, and a reminder to deal with things as a couple, as a team; and of course, everyone should have a nest egg.

Continuing this theme was last Thursday's front page feature, the story of the Bachmuth family, whose young daughter is literally pulling her hair out from the stress Mr. Bachmuth's job loss has imposed on his whole family. Particularly interesting were the issues of traditional family/gender/breadwinner roles, and how a shift in those roles can be devastating (or not).

Many of the comments following the article are judgmental (okay, the couple's argument about firing the cleaning lady does sound a little out of touch), but the audio slide show puts things into perspective. From the pictures & audio, I saw a couple struggling with something they never thought would happen to them, and they are handling it the best they know how.

Do I think I'd react differently to that financial situation? Absolutely; I see a lot of issues here that seem bigger than the current economic crisis. But I can't judge. Who knows what marriage will bring? All we can do is promise to work through it -- together.

*Image of the Bachmuth family by Michael Stravato for the New York Times.

Money Matters in Marriage, pt. 1 Friday, November 13, 2009

Like most people, I don't like talking about finances, but I promised myself I'd spend as much energy preparing for the wedding as I would preparing for the marriage... so I try to confront these potentially uncomfortable issues when I get a chance.

The New York Times has published several articles on couples' finances in the past two weeks.

The articles, by Ron Lieber, are very helpful, if brief, and are in two parts (actually three, but more on that in a minute). The first one, "Four Talks About Money to Have Before Marriage," outlines the ways in which marital finances are impacted by our upbringing, our expectations, our attitudes toward money, and other habits.

When it comes to this, I know I'm definitely not perfect when it comes to finances. I tend to hyper-manage my money, sometimes even programming my browser's home screen to go to my bank's webpage so I can remind myself of what I spend. Not surprisingly, I'm also a spreadsheet junkie. :)

This means, though, that I tend to over-budget, which leaves little room for surprises, and that I worry about money when sometimes I don't need to. I also attach guilt to my spending, which means I'm extremely frugal for a while and might blow it later. I can trace all this to my childhood, which was marked by economic ups & downs, and my fear of repeating my late father's money management mistakes.

But also, my father's death really was a catalyst for me thinking about money; I was 20, so it would have happened close to that age anyway, I guess. But most vivid in my memory are all the times my father "had to work," and everything he missed as a result (we had an especially poignant conversation when I left for college, where he confessed that he felt he didn't really know me, because he'd missed so much). Our relationship definitely suffered because of that, as did his marriage to my mom.

And then he was gone, and it didn't matter at all how much he had to work. And all those material things he'd amassed; they were still here, and he wasn't, and they didn't matter much either.

I decided then that for my life, for myself, security would always be more important than wealth. I don't mind driving a 10 year old car if I have the means to maintain it. Our house doesn't have to be the biggest, but if it's safe and clean and comfortable and everything works, I'll be happy. There are more important things.

Fortunately, my fiancé's approach to money wasn't shaped by anything nearly as traumatic. He had a more consistent upbringing, and doesn't feel guilty for the occasional splurge or two. He isn't near as spreadsheet-happy as I am, so he leaves that to me -- and I don't mind a bit!

Anyway, the fiancé and I had certainly discussed these issues, but these things repeatedly come up in a marriage, and the article helped facilitate another good conversation.

Do you plan to talk to your FH/FW about finances? Do you like these kinds of discussions?

Playing the Wedding Card Saturday, October 10, 2009

I was trying to pay one of my vendors, and my card was declined. Oh no! The result of poor money management? Cutting it too close between a deposit and a payout?

Nope (well, at least not this time)!

Turns out I have a daily "transaction limit" on the card. Who knew? So, I called the bank... best to speak to them and make sure they knew I wasn't the victim of some scam. As I spoke to them, they wanted to know why I needed the limit increased, and I told them that I'm planning a wedding and trying to make deposits.

As I said this, the lady on the phone is *so* excited for me. "Congratulations!" she says, and puts the limit increase through immediately. "Weddings are so exciting! I hope you have a wonderful day!" I thought it was very sweet, especially since her enthusiasm and sincerity came through, even over the phone.

Inadvertently, I'd played the "wedding" card, and received excellent customer service as a result. Unfair? Perhaps. I mean, if I'd been trying to appeal to her good will to get "one up" over some other customer, like cutting in line or something, I suppose. But I think of all those wedding advice columns, that instruct brides & grooms to make sure the hotel & restaurant staff know that you're on your honeymoon. Sometimes you'll get a perk, sometimes not. I don't think there's any harm in appealing to people's natural sense of good will.

Have you played the wedding card? How did it work out?


Photo from Flickr user !efatima

Safety First Friday, July 10, 2009

An uncomfortable issue, for sure, but one worth talking about: wedding insurance.

The quickest way to get me to have a panic attack is to show me the wedding budget, and compare it to what's actually in our accounts. Sure, we have plans to save up (a whole schedule, in fact), and we aren't going into debt for our wedding (hooray!), and we have it all planned out. But you know what they say - God laughs when you make plans!

So, now that we're about to put down some hefty deposits (therefore committing to pay large amounts), we hope God is not laughing too hard. I'm thinking about wedding insurance.

I first found the idea from our interest in the loft/standalone venues, which require liability insurance. But I started looking into cancelation/postponement insurance. I've heard so many horror stories -- family tragedies, injuries, accidents, freak tornadoes, job losses, etc... I just hate thinking about it! And on top of that, people are forced to cancel and lose their money?! Most of the time in these situations, it's up to the sympathy of the vendor whether you get your money back or can use it towards a postponement. I thought it would be worth it to buy a little peace of mind.

Photo by Marie Labbancz.

Putting Planning into Perspective Sunday, June 28, 2009

This weekend I came across two articles that help me put wedding planning into perspective.

Which shade of pink? Which venue? How to arrange the tables? What about my dress? None of this matters nearly as much as the marriage itself.

This week's NYT wedding features Jennifer & Paul, who joined their families together in a lovely ceremony this week in Sacramento, CA. The article and its accompanying sidebar are worth a read.

Registered at Citibank? Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I saw this article online and it seems like one of those alarmist "Ahh! It's a recession!" articles. Unfortunately, I don't believe that being in a recession makes it okay to flaunt the rules of etiquette and flat-out ask for money. Besides, it's a recession--your guests probably don't have any money either! How would it look if you spent $10,000 on a wedding and then asked for help buying a car?

I think of my mom and the wedding gifts she received. She still has many of them, despite the fact she was married nearly 40 years ago to my father (who has since passed away) and is now happily remarried. But still, every so often she'd pull out some appliance or piece of china and say, "This was a wedding gift from so & so." It was such a nice sentiment and I remember her tone of voice as she said it.

I have always believed that gifts are optional at a wedding. These are the things people bought in order to help you start your lives together! Their value is beyond monetary. Weddings are emotional, sentimental, family-oriented events. I believe every bride starts off knowing this, but in times like these it's easy to forget. Be nice, ladies!