Interculturally speaking... Friday, February 5, 2010

In the past I've dated men outside my race, and there can be some less than successful results. One young man (we were in college) decided that color didn't matter -- at all. As it turned out, what that meant was that my color didn't matter to him. Whenever issues of racism or culture came up, he said, "Color shouldn't matter." Okay.

I was in this relationship when my father died. Seeing his face upon exiting the funeral -- the traditional, African-American Baptist funeral complete with gospel coir, singing, wailing, etc. -- was priceless. I guess it mattered.

Another boyfriend was almost indifferent. Black culture was foreign to him, and he liked it that way. I think I was a little "exotic." ::sigh::

My fiance, who is white, offers total acceptance and understanding. I find it easy to talk to him about issues of race & culture, and he really "gets" me. This of course, is due to his loving personality, openness, and incredible cultural & societal awareness. It's essential that both of you have this awareness if you're in an intercultural relationship, particularly if one of you is a member of the dominant (mainstream) culture. Most white men grow up without ever having to think about what life is like for a black person. However, being confronted with the dominant culture all the time, I don't share this cultural blindness -- it's impossible. This must be acknowledged by the both of you if the relationship is to work.

I came across two intriguing articles about interracial relationships this week. These mostly deal with black-white relationships but I think they are helpful for any person of color dating someone who is not. "Color doesn't matter" is an especially naive position to take when you consider how race is still being handled in our society, and the fact that if you have children, despite their mixed heritage, they will be culturally perceived as non-white (see: Obama).

The first article is by guest author "C.L." from Stuff White People Do. C.L. is an Asian woman who describes her experiences traveling internationally with her white boyfriend. I imagine the situation she describes will be familiar to Asian Americans; the way her boyfriend re-frames and dismisses the issue is painfully familiar to me. The many intelligent comments posted there are also worth a read.

Over at Confessions of a Cybernegress, the author describes her husband's embrace of her culture:

And for Rob, I think that's the biggest part of it: family. He said something recently that struck me as both odd and true: "Black issues are my issues now. And when we have kids, they'll be even more important to me." My initial reaction was, "why aren't black issues everyone's issues?" But I understand his point of view: this is a world he'd never known before, and I can't fault him for that. And while I won't say that my husband is as invested in the health of the black community as I am, he does embrace my family as his--as much as I embrace his family as mine. And because I'm his wife, he wants to know how I see the world so he can adjust his own view. Because he'll some day have black daughters, he wants to learn how they will grow up seeing the world, and how he can make their lives happier and healthier. He wants them to know their history includes strong, intelligent, good people--both black and white.

I think she gets to the heart of the issue here; her husband isn't just interested in black issues because they're "new" or "exotic" or some kind of novelty. He's interested in those issues because they are related to her, and thus, to him.

Having a husband and who wants to understand your perspective and who truly embraces you, your family and your culture, is essential -- no matter what color he is.

*Photo of Bershan & David by Justine Ungaro.